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I don't remember ever being close to her. Maybe I was when I was smaller, but I don't remember it. I didn't like going out with her alone. I specifically recall this one time, when we went to K-mart. Paula and Nicholas were somewhere... I remember walking in the store and feeling uncomfortable. Maybe I was just used to being with my siblings and it was a shock for them not to be there. I was the same way with my father, except it didn't matter who was there with me. We were driving to his house once, all of us, and I was in the front seat. I was real tired and kinda dozing off, and I unconsciously leaned on him. I quickly sat up straight and he laughed. "It's okay, I won't crash." That's not what I was afraid of... I don't know what I was afraid of.
Maybe I just didn't like adults. When we moved away from Dad (or he left then we moved, don't know), my mom started dating. I only remember one of her boyfriends. I hated him. "'Hate' is a strong word". Damn right. I don't remember right, but he either moved in, or was around alot.
We were at the beach one day. He took me out till the water was about up to his arm pits. Then he started dunking me in the water over and over, and I remember him laughing, or smiling or something. I was crying like hell, or trying (can't exactly get the breath to cry when ur lungs are filled with water, eh?). Whenever I would take a breath I was under again (kinda like I feel now). I later came to the conclusion that he was trying to kill me and pass off my drowning as some kind of accident, don't exactly know how (you can't expect me to have a logical explaination for these things at 4) but that's what I thought. He prolly was.
For no reason that I can remember, he would make us kneel on rice holding ecyclopedia's over our heads untill it was time to shower.
I hated him. And at the time I hated my mother for sitting there and watching it happen. And I hated paula too because she was supposed to do something about it if Mom wouldn't.
That was her last borfriend.
Maybe that's why. Or maybe it's just the way she is. I really don't like to say this, or feel this, but sometimes she's just so irritating. Her ways... She seems so week to me. Stupid almost. I'm prolly sounding really disrespectful and ungreatful right now, but I am greatful, and I love her to death, and I think about what would happen if she wasn't here, and I cry at the thought of her gone, so how can I say this? Because it's how I feel. We are two totally different people. She's the kind of person, when she finds something she likes, she sticks to it. And it's like that for everything else. Work. Religion. Food. Everything. And if she likes it, I have to like it to. She doesn't think about how it might affect me, she just pushes it on me.
Me on the other hand, I think I'm too open-minded. My opinions change constantly and it's rare I can find something that I wanna stick with. If I find something significantly wrong with anything, I turn away from it. I want to experience everything. On a multiple choice test, If I see the right answer straight away, I'll go ahead and read the others, just to see. And I'm the kinda person, if something is pushed on me, I'll push it back.
That's what's happening now.
We're Catholic. Or she's Catholic. I was fine with the whole thing. I would pray and I firmly believed in everything the religion comes with. But now she's gotton really, really into it. She want's me to pray the rosery and read the Bible everyday. She wants me to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays. I did it at first. But then I just saw how it made her kinda... zombie-like? That's not exactly the best word... but... Well, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. There are people who are highly religious, but I think for her it has become like an obsession. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's how all people should be about religion. But I just can't believe that much in ONE thing. No religion is perfect, and no religion is the RIGHT religion, but that's how they all act. And I CAN NOT do that. So she pushes, and I am still pushing back.
I just don't like the way she's going about it. I'm not perfect, and neither is she. When you put two flawed females in a house together they are not always gonna agree. Hmm. That's it. We don't argue. We don't talk. So I can't expect her to know how I feel. But I can't tell her. She hears what she wants to hear. She doesn't like debating things. If everything is fine on the surface, then we can go on with our lives, packing the dirt on the problem as we go. They should lower the adult age to 15. So that's it. She doesn't get me anyway. She didn't get Nicholas. She still doesn't get Paula, and I expect she's passed "the phase".
I don't like the way we are. Spread out all over the world. I have to family members here. Mom, and my half-sister Hadia. She's like... 5? 6? See? I don't even know.
You know one thing I wonder about alot? What it would be like to have a functional famliy. One with two parents, who LOVE eachother in one house. Not an apartment. No court hearings. With no one in juvenile and siblings who don't get the urge to break glass doors or hurl heavy objects at eachother. A family where mom doesn't have to be flown half way around the world to go to a funeral, because we would all live on one piece of land. And a friken dog named spot! Is that so hard to accomplish? I spose it is. Because we couldn't do it, despite everything else we did. Of course I'm still greatful, because it could've been a heck of a whole lot worse. More drugs and more cops and attornies and abuse, more crazy landladies who cut off our power, and friends of the brother who come in and live under the house and steal our TV along with the avacadoes on the fridge and death and all o that. But I'm getting a good education and I have good friends, and there are still people who love me. It has gotten alot better. So I guess I can't complain. I KNOW I can't. So yeah, I'm happy. And we must be doing something right if all they see is a sickeningly normal Mother and daughter with no problems and good apple crumb cake.
Right. G'night then!
cruciangyal at 9:07 p.m.